Who Am I? And What The Hell Am I Doing?

I keep asking myself who am I?

Who do I want to be?

What is going to give me purpose?

How do I find this purpose while working a shitty 9-5 job that I care nothing about? The answer has yet to come my way, but it's the only thing I can think about while I separate paper, doing a job that I am pretty sure you could train a monkey to do.

I have always loved writing whether it be songs or articles that no one will read, but I always get stuck with the follow through. Searching for that one huge big idea that is going to catapult my career as the next incredible female entrepreneur. Surprise surprise it never comes. I have countless documents on my computer all labeled “Untitled”, bits and pieces of ideas that have been left behind. They grasp the surface of what I try to uncover in myself but never get the job fully done, so I lose interest and get back into the grind of my 9-5 whatever and I drink and hang out with friends until the next bout of anxiety about my future hits a few weeks later.

It is so impressive to me that I can feel so fine one day, and then the next I feel like my entire world is going to come to a crashing halt if I don’t figure out exactly who I am, and what I meant to be today by 3:15pm. How does my brain turn off those thoughts and then an alarm goes off and its back beating down my door. The question I always find myself asking though, is how do I follow through? What is going to be the thing I need to do to stick to whatever the hell it is I am so hell bent on for this moment? Now normally I feel this is where someone says they had this ahah moment and they give you the secret to their success, but news flash I'm 23 and have no idea. So I am literally asking, what is the answer?

As I sit at my desk in my cute apartment drinking a reasonably large glass of red wine, I mull over all the things in my life that I should be questioning to attain higher success. I wrote down all the things that I believe are what I should be focusing on in order to put into place this life that I so hopeful to lead and uncover.

So here goes.

Solutions to try and pull it the fuck together.

Push through the blocks of self doubt and self loathing: tell myself that it's going to be okay, because there is tomorrow to try again.

Accountability: having someone to hear the goals I want to achieve and have them hold me accountable for those goals and projected timelines.

Keeping up the excitement: Putting in place reward systems to show personal progress and growth.

Self Love: Being kind to myself and my mind and body. Creating attainable and healthy goals for my fitness and diet and sleep. Remembering to schedule time to do NOTHING. Allowing myself to say no to going out, if I need some time to myself. There is nothing wrong with that. Overall remembering that these ideas and goals are important, but being too strict will lead to less follow through, so cutting slack for myself is a must.

“Sour attitude leads to a life full of lemons”

Do something once a day to help myself remember and appreciate that life is good. Realize that it really doesn’t serve me to keep sweating the small stuff. Understand that everything happening is unfolding for a specific reason. Do not rush the process.

Less really is less and more: Less clutter, and less materialistic stuff allow you to focus on the more concrete and important aspects of your life .Downsizing leads to maximizing the true things that give you meaning.

Stop allowing what people might think to cloud your judgement. Be confident in the person I want to be. Being embarrassed by being myself will never allow me to be truly un-apologetically myself.

Achieve a life that is lived to inspire others.

Set out to make choices that will one day be used to fuel someone else’s dream, or to give them clarity from my journey.

Have friendships that elicit happiness growth and progress. Let go of letting people use you as a sounding board with no reciprocation.

Realize that sometimes things will upset you and you have a right to say that they are bothering you without attempting to make it your fault.

Live and intentional life.

*find purpose in the puzzle pieces*

Remember to stay grounded and if success hits, and so does failure that it will be wholly spectacular.

No more second guessing

Say yes, get involved, and stop waiting for that one idea that will change your life.

Trust your gut, but don’t let it keep you stagnant.

Playing it safe and being stuck are in the same, depending on how you frame it.

Believe that you are worth your story.