Love Songs You'll Never Hear

I have written so many love songs about you. I have agonized over phrasing and melodies to my own insanity. Full well knowing that they will never see the light of day. I can only write love songs for lost love. Thinking that writing a love song for the moment is to jinx whatever potential happiness is upon me. Almost like if I don’t acknowledge it, then it won’t have a reason to go away. I’ll stand behind the curtain, certain not to make a sound, so that the universe and my heart don’t get spooked. I also wonder if I am the only one that thinks this way, and that the reason I don’t know if there is someone else like me is because we are all so afraid to show the vulnerability that we keep it to ourselves, making us even more alike than we could ever imagine.

I think I love a boy. Key word, I think. It is the strangest thing to think you’re in love. Everything they do is sweet and lovely, and you smile like an idiot when you talk to them. All the signs are there, except that small tiny voice in the back of your head, is questioning everything. And I mean everything. Does he feel the same way? Is he just being nice? Is he seeing someone else? Am I fantasizing that this is going somewhere? I am straight up crazy? Usually these thoughts keep you awake at night, because sometimes your brain like to take a nice break from worrying about crippling debt and bills being paid. This is like a vacation for the brain where you only get to focus on whether or not you’re good enough for the proverbial man/women in your life. Ah. isn’t that just lovely. So many times we think that things are better than they appear, that blissful ignorance is the common way. For people like me, it’s the opposite, it is the thought process of believing that the other shoe is always about to drop. That everything in the moment is going to be over before it starts, like a swift kick to the gut of reality. Everyday there is something that tells me that I am not worthy of what’s happening to me or that the good ride I am currently on is going to force me to get off at the next stop. It’s exhausting. To be so worried all the time that everything is just about to end. I guess I don’t really know where it comes from, maybe I am just a realist, or maybe I have this deep seeded need to be unhappy. I really don’t know. The love part of this always gets me though. As someone who loves love for other people I almost always am searching for a way out, regardless of the current situation. This particular possible love is extra confusing because I am honestly not even sure if we are in a relationship. Isn’t that something, the girl who doesn’t know where she stands is standing in a relationship that she doesn’t know she may or may not be standing in. How fitting. I think it might be the reason its lasted so long because I can’t even tell if it has even begun. We were friends first, we said that it was just going to be friends. We were both sure that we couldn’t handle a relationship. But many months later, and here we are. I tell him I miss him when I’m drunk, and talk about how I love when he holds me close, but dating? No… just friends. There have been so many times where I want to grab him by the shoulders and just say “listen dude, do you wanna be my boyfriend? Because it would un complicate my life so much, and that would really be awesome, because i think you’re adorable and i love how wonderfully weird you are, and I think we should continue to be wonderfully weird together because I like you like you.” Now, all of that being said, I could never and will never probably ever say any of that to him. It’ll just stay as one of the recurring thought bubbles in my head until God knows when. The reason being is that I actually like this one. As a person. I care for him, and I don’t really know what I would do if he wasn’t in my life anymore. I’ve never felt that way. I’ve never been friends with someone first, and gotten to know them and love them as a friend. It’s weird… how did monica and chandler do it? Its ridiculously scary and I kind of feel like I’m on the tilt a whirl at a state fair, and I’m a little nauseous but I don’t want to get off yet. Does that make sense? Does it ever make sense? Do we ever really get a happy ending? With divorce rates as high as they are, and the new fad of divorce parties, do we get two happy endings? Is one of them the ending? I see love, and I am so grateful that it exists and that people in my life are experiencing and living it. But I always make sure that I’m never the one in it. It’s not on purpose I don’t think? Or maybe it is, what do I know. All I know is that thinking this much is annoying and sometimes painful and sometimes I would just like my brain to vacation at a beach resort where the only question it is asking is when is my next drinking coming? It would be nice, but then I wouldn’t be me. I guess the bottom line for this whole thing is just to get some of the thoughts in my head out into the world so that maybe they subside and give me a break for a few days, or that my incessant thoughts will come to some conclusion if I just keep typing, but I don’t think they will ever run out of things to let me slightly obsess over. Sometimes when we write we have no conclusion, we have no come to jesus moment, we just have a little bit less in our heads, and more on paper. And sometimes that’s enough.