Onwards and Upwards.

I was, sitting on the floor in the bathroom at work trying to catch my breath, because it felt like the entire world was about to come to an end. I had never experienced a panic attack before, so this was a first. Totally sucked.

While I talked to my friends via text about the lovely seating arrangement I currently found myself in, I started to make jokes, because of course that is the way that I handle most of the things I don't or can't deal with at the time being. (Should make for interesting situations later in life)

I sat there on the floor trying to not cry too loudly that someone would hear me, and then I started to laugh because I am the reason that I am where I am at this exact moment.

Something became very clear to me, while I sat on the cold floor, I have been

standing in my own way for basically my whole life. Which I have to say, is a lot to realize sitting on a bathroom floor at 10 in the morning.

I sat there thinking about all of the opportunities that I have passed up or ignored because of laziness and fear of failure. It almost started to look like a common theme throughout my love life, school, other relationships, and potential job experiences.

The night before I had gone on a date for the first time in a while with a guy who was 24, loved his job, had his own apartment and actually bought his own Christmas tree. I sat there talking to him, and in about 15 minutes I realized he was pompous and loved himself, and I'd been there before and that was hard no, but he said something that really got me thinking. He said "it sounds like all of your experiences you kind of just fell into, you never really decided to do any of it, it kind of just happened" Well sir, thank you, that sentence right there got me to the thoughts that landed me on the bathroom floor. Not only was he extremely obnoxious, he was right. I have never really solely worked for or towards something by myself. The closest thing that came to that, was writing and recording my EP and that would have gone nowhere had I not met a wonderful women named Kori who helped get it finished.

I of course, got my shit together and finished my day at work, and went out on my lunch break to get some fresh air. I found myself spiraling and not really knowing what to do. I headed to this place I used to hang out and smoke at when I was in high school. A little body of water with some sand. Wasn't much, but the water and the sand always somehow calmed me down, got me thinking a little bit clearer. Well, it was the coldest day of the year and I'm walking on frozen sand and looking at frozen water. Still worked though, I felt a little better. freezing, but better.

There are so many things that I have given up for fear of failure, or to be honest fear of success. I think I find myself just stuck right in the middle because that way I don't have to be responsible for whatever way things fall. I don't ever want to be the reason why I fail. But thats insane, and I really need to get myself out of that mindset. So many people probably feel this way, or maybe I'm one of the few. But I know someone who definitely feels the same way, and I didn't realize how similar he and I were until he was gone, but I hope that we both can find the strength to get out of our own way. I made a promise to myself that I was going to stop self sabotaging. And thank god I have friends that are going to help me to try and keep that promise to myself. I'm going to start to put in the hard work, and I am going to start to take chances, and not waste days in bed or on social media, refreshing pages that even when theres something new I am still not the least bit interested. I need to find what it is that gives me passion, and I think I know what that it, now I just need to give myself a real shot at being successful, but most importantly, happy. Because the real goal in life is to happy. Not rich in anything, but good people and great memories.

I wanna reach the person I know I have the potential to be. So now, I just gotta go out there and make some moves. I have started looking for a new job, one that interests me. I've started seriously considering a new place to live, and most importantly I have decided to do something. So here we go...2017 the year of Doing. Wish me luck.

and for those of you, who actually read this, if theres anything I can give you advice on, is don't let go of good things, hold on to what makes you happy even if it's just for a moment, and live with no regrets. Because this one life were given we've gotta tell one hell of a story.