Words. They Mean A lot.

In the last couple of days I have said a lot. I have chosen to use my words to express my feelings, instead of letting my thoughts fester in my head with no release.

I told someone who used to be a friend that he hurt me. That the way he handled something was disrespectful and rude. I then proceeded to write a letter to someone I love, and told them exactly how I feel.

It was a difficult thing to send on both accounts, and the past version of myself would have never hit send, or mailed it. I would have agonized about whether or not the letter or my words would have hurt the other person, and I would have instead let my thoughts buzz around in my head and hurt myself for fear of making someone else uncomfortable or sad.

I have learned a lot about who I was, and how my ability to put others first was hindering my own life. I have made a valiant effort to try to do better by me, instead of worrying about someone else.

I found that the way that I used to handle things, left others feeling they could walk all over me, because they knew I would always be there. I think that this caused resentment, but it also showed me who was really there for me, and who knew that I would just always be there for them. I have taken steps to remove the people from my life that don't put in the same effort that I do.

Because, when it all comes down to it, we basically live in a world where were just trying to survive, so why have people that are going to make that a hell of a lot more difficult?

I was talking to some friends of mine, and I have decided to call it the

"Fuck It Streak"

Basically what this means, is that if I want to do it (things that are not going to endanger my life obviously) I am going to do it. I am going to take the risks whether it be in speaking out for what I think, or making decisions that I wouldn't normally make, or giving things chances I would have never before. Fuck it.

It definitely has its appealing aspects, and I am going to try not to go crazy, but I have realized that I have spent so much of my life being careful and not actually living, and thats a damn shame.

I want to love recklessly, and roll my ass out of bed to watch the sunrise(with coffee of course) and I am going to have that drink, even though the hangover will prove that it probably wasn't worth it. But most of all I am going to stop worrying about the consequences that I concoct in my head. Because if its not going to add good vibes I don't want it.

This may seem a little mean, and I don't think I'll ever be able to let go of my nauseatingly optimistic viewpoint or my need to always give second...or third.. chances, but hey, everything is progress.

I'm hoping with this new year, I become more empowered from myself and not through validation from another person. Because in the end, I am what I've got, and thats the most important relationship I have to work on.