For When You Don't Know How To Love Just You.

Every morning I wake up to the hope of something rattling my world. Making me feel something. Whether it be positive or negative, I just want to have something that leads to something else.

Up until recently, I believed that that something was going to be a someone. I put all my faith in a dream of a possible person that may or may not exist. I was so set on the fact that I needed someone else to validate my existence that I forgot that I come first.

In past relationships, I have been so concerned about how this other person is perceiving me that I would subtly change myself. Honestly, at first, I didn’t even realize it. I would say I liked something or had been somewhere, when in reality I hadn’t, but I knew that this little factoid or in my case, a little “white lie” would make them think that I could be the girl that they could be with. I started to believe them, I thought “hey, I could be this person that loves these things…right?” Wrong. I would start to resent them for the things they fell in love with me for. Ultimately, I wasn’t really sure who I was.

I’ve always been told that “there’s something about me” that I’m interesting and intriguing, that there is some kind of mystery to me. there wasn’t. It was just me, not knowing who I was. Who I wanted to be was still a mystery to me. I would try on different versions of myself, some fit, some were too big, some too small, but I was never really in any of those versions, for just me.

The growing that has taken place in my life most recently, has really been trying to find and pursue my passions. To put myself first, and last. I have never really been selfish in my own discovery, and that has most definitely done me a mis service. Although, I do not regret any of things I have done for people, and I most certainly do not take any of it back. I believe in this cynical world, that the universe has a plan. That every little thing does happen for a reason. I believe this because I have to, because if the universe does not have a plan and I am the only one who is entirely responsible for my life, well I don’t think that I could quite handle that.

So, heres what I am striving for, as a girl who doesn’t know who she is, or how to love herself.

I am going to try.

Everyday.

I am going to wake up and do things that benefit me, I am going to stop looking for a piece of myself in a stranger, because I know that everything I need has to be found from within.

I am going to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. I am going to embrace being by myself and I am going to write, because in this crazy world having the ability to write what you feel is an underrated thing. I am going to believe in myself that I am the happiness I have been craving. I am going to try new things and I am going to be less lazy when it comes to caring for me. Everyone deserves to be self involved in themselves, and sometimes we forget, that we are everything we leave behind, so why not be happy with the person you're creating?