This is who I am, for today.

I’m so conflicted about the person I want to be.

Part of me wants to be the girl that everyone looks at and says “Wow, she’s got it all together.”

Part of me whats to revel in the parts of me that are late to things and thinks too much about the future and what possible adventures I might get myself into. Let my mind wander and do some more distracting from my present place. I like to dart my mind from person to person. Almost like trying on another version of myself in the mirror and seeing if this one is something I would want to purchase and take home and wear for a while this season, like my favorite sweater.

I talk about things saying “i’ve thought about this” when in reality the idea just popped into my head. I’m also afraid that I’ll never be happy with my purchase and I’ll return that sweater for something heavier or lighter depending on my mood. I constantly feel like my life is up in the air and I have no control over what is happening- and i like it. I like not knowing what is next and I like that my mind never stops. I forget to do homework and I eat chocolate before bed and bagels are my weakness but somedays I wake up and i’ve got my game face on and I keep it on for a few days - I avoid the bagels and the extra sugar in my coffee and tell myself “I’m going to lose 20 pounds! just watch me” I know that these bursts of motivation are brief but I take them on like its going to stick around for a while. I like that I can throw myself into things and then shortly after, abandon them because to be honest it was a terrible idea. Like that juice cleanse my friend and I tried. 75 dollars later and some gross juice and i was out.

These things about me are what make me special right?

or does everyone feel this way? I’ve transferred schools now twice and still find it difficult to answer the age old question of “what do you want to be when you grow up” Now i know that people say no one ever knows the answer to this question, but that is where you are wrong. People may not always stick to the same answer there whole life but most people have an answer. Even when i was little and I was asked that question I always looked blankly at the person and said “I’m sure ill know when I get older” Now here I am age 21 and still giving the same response. I’ve covered up my lack of knowing with this lovely response “I’m a communication major. “ They retort back what a great idea theres plenty of options in that field to narrow it down to later” Yes, this is true but I’m not even sure if thats the field I want to invest my time in. I find passion in things that are far from sustainable. I love singing and writing but I’ve never actually given writing much thought because it was only able to keep my interest when my fingers couldn’t help but type because there was too much swirling around in my mind to focus on anything else. That’s where the song writing came into place. I was not as good as the heavy hitters but I was decent. I could get across my message and bring on tears when the right person listened to it, but it never seemed like a viable option. It was too out there not safe enough. Nothing to build a life on. But here I am still writing and singing and as confused as ever about who I am or who I wanted to be. They say thats basically the perfect way to sum up your twenties, but this felt different to me. A little bit more scary because I haven’t really met anyone who thinks the way I do.

I found a home in the company of this women I was writing and recording with because she shared my love of melody and the satisfaction of a really good line. We bonded over phrases and notes and talked about the people that inspired the words. She was my safe haven a person in my life who believed that music could most definitely be the answer. I love music because it makes you think, feel, hurt, laugh, smile- and if you had a really good song it could make you do all those things at once.

Writing is something that I always was good at in school and I always made my professors laugh with the similes and metaphors I would come up with. They always said “you write the way you speak” which meant with not enough punctuation and probably too many sarcastic comments interwoven through a research paper. I am not very good at grammar and thats because when I write my mind is moving faster than my fingers can keep up. I get so caught up in my own thoughts that when I re read them I am usually forgetting words or commas or both.

I guess the one thing about my life that I find comfort in, is that I always find my way in the moment. Even though moment to moment life is fleeting, and I feel like the ground beneath my feet is about to split, I somehow manage to balance myself on my next move, whatever that may be for the time being.